I know that I harp
on about how essential it is to revise your work, and today is no exception.
stolen car boogie
kate said after she got out of the car
she hugged the wall laughing with hysteric relief why didn’t i get out couldn’t
i see they had stolen that car
no
in those days i didn’t drive so paid no
heed to the crashed gears or that jumping car at the green light go
i knew they were bullshitting just
thought them as stoned as we were so i stayed got driven to town saw all that
jazz
caught a bus back home cause no one gave
rides out of Plymouth
to be truthful i’d had weirder lifts
When I’d shown this
at a writing group the general consensus was that it was not clear who was speaking
and that this confused the narrative. I think it works better now in first
person.
This next one had
me reflecting on the last image for a long time. I thought that it was
introduced too quickly. I also removed the second line from the first stanza as
it seems to work as well without it.
You can read the earlier draft here.
In the big blue bowl lie
blackcurrants,
it is between us,
the place to fix my eye,
as reluctantly I listen.
Hear more than I would
choose to know.
Your hands comb these
cobbles,
collect stalk and leaf.
We walk around your
puzzlement,
you talk to make it
sense.
The arguments…the
silences…
You hold a large
blackcurrant,
I imagine it an ivory
ball,
You have placed your bet
the wheel spins,
don’t you know the house
always wins?
I also removed the
penultimate line as I thought it repeated the last line.
There is something
to be said for putting the poem away from a couple of months, as it’s easier to
see the flaws when you are not so close. Also don’t be afraid to remove words
or lines. If the poem works without that line in then you don’t need it. Put it
away somewhere safe, it may come in handy.
To end with here’s
Graham Nash singing Another Sleep Song in 1974.
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