I offer you a redrafted poem this post, with thanks, as usual to The Secret Poets for their invaluable help. I know I am fortunate to be part of such a supportive group of poets, and for that I give thanks.
You can read the first draft here.
Best Foot Forward
Sat at the back of the lecture
he decides to invest in his future
scrolls down the screen
but which colour?
selects the green
up the front a woman talks
sketching maps to a happy future.
To take advantage of the unique offer
he must pay for his trainers now.
He will continue to do so
for the rest of his life.
So what's different?
The layout for a start. Moving the second stanza to the right hand side of the page distances the actions of the lecturer from the focus of the poem, the youth buying trainers. It is always worth playing about with the layout of a poem.
I was not happy with the final two lines, making them a separate sentence highlights the cost of his actions. Also losing a line the third stanza makes it tighter. Thank you Secrets.Here's a piece of psychedelia from 1971. Hotel Room by the Edgar Broughton Band.Until next time.