SHE HAS THE MAP

I find myself singing the praises of poetry groups once again. I want to thank the Secret Poet's for a very enjoyable and productive evening on Monday.
If you write, in my opinion, you need to be part of a group. It will enhance your writing immeasurably. 
Two redrafted poems this post.

she stops the car

the night is cold

my breath is smoke

the lay-by muddy

mercury sheens the ridged field

surf sound from distant cars

she tells me to look at the moon,

another night, in another place she had said

there is only now

a noisy rickshaw carried us past

a bus stop blanketed by sleeping people

she has the map
I would follow her anywhere

You can see how I have pared the poem down from the last draft. Also how effective it is without the punctuation. You have to take the time and play about with a poem. Most of what you do will not work but that does not matter. 

I also have been redrafting this:

GEORGE ADAMSKI SQUARES HIS CIRCLE

George Adamski's in the Pontiac's back seat.

The driver is from Saturn. Next to George sits

a Venusian, who bigs up the mundane,

claims to love tv and be just like we are.

He feeds the con man a white bread vision,

the solar system as some banal B-movie town.

Old George for his part, keeps silent about

the flying saucer he's building in the garage.

You see, he needs something people will buy into,

when he stands in front of paying audiences.

Even his honest eyes can quite swing it.

So he will make that chicken incubator lampshade fly on film.

The Venusian doesn't care that his world

is a nightmare of green house gasses gone mad.

[That'll come out later,]

Just tell the earthlings what they want to hear and everyone's happy.

Save Amelia Earhart, who is either a housewife 
hitting the highballs at eleven am

or an incomplete set of bones on a Pacific island.

You takes your pick
some realities are more fun than others.

It even has a title! I find that titles either arrive with the poem or take a much longer route. What was bothering me about this poem was the line about the heat lamp housing, I could not get my mouth around it effectively when I read it out loud. It had to go. 
If the words don't feel right in your mouth they need changing.

Here's Alela Diane on KEXP. Until next time.