Here's a couple of revised poems. You can read the previous version of this first one here. I've changed the ending as I was not happy with the poem, to be honest after the first line I didn't think it flowed. Hopefully this is smoother.
just like that the champagne went flat
we were in the presence of a bigger mystery
one that would carry us to a place of metaphor
and consume a whole twelve hours
we had been there before and would visit again
so I watched as the bubbles fled from the pale liquid
sometimes all you can do is trust
and watch the seconds as they uniquely unravel
I wanted to project tranquillity, that a loss of ego can lead us to something wonderful. That there is no need for fear. This second poem is hopefully more show than tell.
the anchoress dreams
sap green spring leaf
her time again would be
to sail as a dandelion seed
over all man made enclosures
but the bell’s toll wakes her
in the half light same four walls
as it has been these past ten years
the sun takes its time
to rise above the barred window
and where she wonders
is God in all of this?
I think the last version was an information dump. What I have tried to do is lead the reader to the same conclusion, but I am not sure that the final two lines are needed? At the moment I am working on a number of poems that are slowly coming together, they will appear in due time.
Hurray For The Riff Raff has a new album out, you can order it here. I leave you with a track.
Until next time.
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