Yesterday I met with the Secret Poets for the first time in a while. As usual they were able to help me improve my work. I cannot stress the value of finding a supportive writing group. I am very lucky, we have been together for many years now and their aid is inestimable. Look, for example, how their suggestions have improved this poem. You can see the last version here.
my grandfather walked out of Eden
just as the trouble kicked off
and they were all cast out of paradise
by that angel with the flaming sword
grandfather said it looked the business
impressive in a peevish kind of way
the trouble with that sort of history
he told us is the focus on
those with their names in the book
and not the likes of him
offspring of Lilith the first wife
the one who is never spoken of
nor of all the others lost to time now
who were quietly getting on with their lives
while this angry god psychodrama
was acted out around them
my grandfather walked out of Eden
the world is large as he discovered
there is enough room for everyone
You may think that there are only minor changes, a word here, a word there, or the odd line break. Such details improve the poem immensely. Anyway I think this poem has reached its final form. Thanks Secrets.
Here's a new song from Anna Ternheim.
Until next time.
No comments:
Post a Comment