Thanks must go to the Secret Poets yet again, both for such an enjoyable day on Monday and for their perceptive feedback on the revised poems in this post.
This first poem has transformed from third to first person.
travelling in times of unusual weather
I had expected more delays
but the trains ran through the heatwave
slowed only by a series of failed signals
we were handed
plastic bottles of warm water
until the supply ran out
the heat in the final station
stole the sweat from our skin
this is how the world burns
You can read the earlier draft here. The use of first person makes it far more immediate.
This second poem has been winnowed down, each word appraised and only the essential ones remain.
Poems Are Everywhere
they circle the world
one of us may catch
a whisper in the ear
some write down
the words they hear
he simply gave thanks
for every poem that chose him
I think it is now a sparer and better poem. You can read the earlier draft here. It is good practice to question every word in a poem and to ask if the poem works without it.
Until next time.